A whole lot of Should

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I’ve been pretty life-busy over the last couple of weeks and as such have been feeling guilty about my lack of blog writing. I’m not sure why, I guess I’ve promised myself I’ll start writing one now, so my brain has obviously then turned it into A Thing that I should do, and I should do regular posts because that’s what everyone does and I should be inspired all the time and so on. Well, with a lack of other inspiration right now, this is all I’ve got to work with.

Shoulds are an interesting thing. Sometimes, they completely fill our lives, from the moment we wake up to the moment we go to sleep. We should brush our hair, put on our make up, go to work, eat a healthy breakfast, enjoy the cycle in, feel grateful for our lives, look forward to seeing our children and partners, enjoy the latest TV show that has 9.5 on IMDB. Some of the Shoulds can be super secretive, you don’t even notice they’re there.

I have a fairly constant Should that comes back to visit often, which is that I Should be progressing my life all the time. Always doing something new, creating something of worth, making a difference in someone’s life doing something crazy or wild or amazing. I have lots of things in the pipeline too, but apparently it doesn’t count if I’m not actively working on them right just now. And unfortunately, my Should is pretty fickle too. I can start something and think “Yeah, I feel so good right now, this is totally what I want to be doing and it’s going to make such a difference to my life!” and then all of a sudden this then becomes the newest Should. And not just once a week or month. The Should comes out every day, in every spare 5 minutes. Yeah, I could just sit and watch the birds or watch TV or play horses with my daughter. But I should be writing my leadership course. Or writing my blog. Or booking an amazing adventure holiday. Or something else life-affirming.

And I tend to find, as soon as anything becomes a Should, it becomes a whole lot less rosy. Suddenly it’s on my mental to do list, taking up brain bandwidth and getting in the way of listening to what I really want to do. And making my brain come up with stupid stories about me in the process (I knew I shouldn’t have started a blog, I knew I would give up and lose inspiration, I knew I should have saved all those previous posts and scheduled them instead of just releasing them when I feel like it, even though I took a concious decision not to do that).

I don’t have much of an answer for these trixy Shoulds. Perhaps we need to call them out and mentally tell them to sod off (or literally I suppose, if you can handle the potentially slightly weird looks from others). In fact, perhaps we can put this into action – every time I feel like I Should do something, I’m going to specifically not do it. I can do anything else, just not the Should. I might have to make exceptions for the things that would have significant consequences (I’m guessing work aren’t going to be too happy if I stop turning up because I feel like I Should go). But this will force a whole lot of Shoulds out of my brain.

Let’s see how it goes!

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Feeling like a fraud

I’ve had a little germ of an idea for a business for a little while now and over the weekend my thinking got to the point of deciding that I was ready to start putting time aside to work on it properly. So, this morning I dutifully sat down to start writing a development programme for leaders. An exciting and creative start to the day I thought. Goodness me, I’ve never felt so inadequate in my life. And I’ve barely even done anything or shown anyone yet.

The problem with starting anything that you haven’t done before is that you can’t help but feel like a fraud. All the more so when you’re advising and guiding other people. When I started the current job I’m in, I went in as a leader of three areas that I had never worked in before. I had a bit of understanding of what they did, but mostly I was learning as I went along. Man, did I feel like a fraud there for a while. I still do when I’m having a low confidence day. I feel like everyone is watching my every move, deciding whether I’m going to be any good and whispering behind my back. Judging or opposing my every suggestion and choice. To be honest, there are people I work with who seem to find it hard to hide the fact they are judging me, even though perhaps they don’t mean it that way or I’m reading into it too much (not in my team luckily, they’re all lovely).

So, what to do about this feeling like a fraud business. Because, the thing is, if everyone stopped at the point where they felt like they were faking it, nothing would ever happen. No new ideas would come about, nothing new would get made, businesses wouldn’t start or grow. Somehow we have to push past this feeling of fraudulency and carry on.

One piece of advice that struck a chord with me was from Liz Gilbert in her book Big Magic. She talks about creative pursuits being simultaneously both the most important thing you can do, and meaning nothing at all. In terms of being a fraudster, it is key to realise that your creativity, input and guidance is of imperative importance to whatever you are trying to do, your unique perspective will make it something which no one has ever done quite the same way before. You may not feel like you have enough experience, training, knowledge or expertise but you will have more than you think and you will have passion and that’s more important than anything else. On the other hand, it makes no difference at all. In the great grand scheme of things, in 1 or 10 or 100 years time, all will be forgotten. If you don’t do what you do, or you don’t do it right, the only person who misses out is you. In fact, you could create or write or lead something and no one need ever know. Take this light hearted look at your work, play with it, make it seem like a game. Because that’s all that life is anyway.

Another thing that helps me live with my imposter syndrome is to realise my humanity. Every single person on this earth will feel this way some time. Every person who starts a new job or business, every new parent, every child on their first day of school, every creator who invents something new, feels small and foolish and scared and like they have no reason being there and doing what they’re doing. There is no optional choice in this, we are human. And to be a human that can live to their full potential and experience all the bits of the world they want to, we have to be new at things sometimes.

So, I’m going to acknowledge this gut wrenching, heart palpatating feeling of inadequacy, get up and go back to the writing. I’m going to keep pushing through, despite all the voices in my head telling me it really isn’t worth my while. I’m going to pour my heart and soul into it and then realise its insignificance. Because that’s what I must do to keep going, and so must we all.

Feel the fear and do it anyway

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I took my three year old daughter swimming at the weekend. She hasn’t been for a little while and was really looking forward to it. She’s always seemed to love all the waterfalls and slides and tippy buckets.

However, this time she had developed some fears about bits of the pool. I’m not sure if there was a specific reason for it. We went to go on the flume (which she LOVED last time we were there, so much so I had to stop her going on again as she was shivering madly) and she was terrified, screaming not to go on. Now, it would be a very normal parental response to accept this, take her back to the pool where she was happy and carry on. However, logically, there was no reason for her fear. She had been on many times before and she had enjoyed it. Nothing significantly scary had happened in the meantime that involved big slides. Perhaps she had seen a scary video, or got scared of a different slide, or perhaps that’s just something that happens when you turn 3, I don’t know. Anyway, I decided to take her on. A bit of bribery with sweets and she let me carry her up the steps. She was fine whilst we were waiting in line, got a bit distracted with seeing a train out of the window. She was pretty scared when we went to sit down on the green slide entrance, gripping on tightly to me, but she wasn’t in any danger. I made lots of fun “wheeeee!” noises on the way down. I’m not sure she actually smiled but she didn’t cry on the way down. When we got to the bottom she had a little cry, maybe because of the adrenaline of doing something scary. I asked her if she wanted to go on again and she said no, so we went back to the little splashy pool.

Now, perhaps other parents looking on would have thought me a bit cruel and heartless, forcing my child to do something she didn’t want to do when she was supposed to be having fun. However, I never want her to not do things in her life because of fear. Fear can stop you harming yourself, yes, but it can also stop you living life entirely. It’s a totally natural, normal human emotion, but not one that should be listened to all the time, as I’ve discussed previously. I want her to grow up knowing that things in life, maybe the best things, are scary, and that sometimes you just have to feel the fear and do it anyway.

(There’s a book named that by the way, written by Susan Jeffers. It has been recommended to me by more than one friend, just in case you’re interested).

I asked her later that evening what her favourite part of swimming was. You know what she said? “The big green slide”.

Riding out the bad days

I’ve specifically decided to write this when I’m having a really “bad day”. I’ll explain the quotes in a bit.

Bad days are like a bad smell – they can hit you very suddenly, you never know when they’re coming and they just seem to permeate everything. They can’t really be avoided either – humans are made to feel the whole range of emotions for a reason, they are there to tell us something, even if that something isn’t very obvious.

I think my “bad day” was fairly explainable to be honest – I went back to work after a wonderful 4 day weekend away full of sun, it was rainy, I’ve started coming down with some sort of illness and I made my child cry by taking away her toy before bed.

If I’m really honest, it wasn’t even that bad a day – my meetings at work went pretty well, I ate good food, I went for a little drive through some lovely villages after work with the family. Hence the “bad day” quotes. All in all, could have been much worse.

So what do we do about these bad days? Well, the natural response is to catastrophise, slump back into your worst habits, whatever form they may take, and mourn the good days, wishing time away until some external factor makes you happy again.

However, perhaps we need to approach bad days a little differently. Perhaps they should be given a bit of a break, allowed to have their time and move on. If you fight them, you just spend more time feeling guilty, annoyed and anxious. Perhaps we could even relax into them a bit, allow ourselves the time to relax because maybe they’re trying to tell us we just need a bit of TLC. And even, a radical idea, we could celebrate them, thank them for allowing us to realise how good a good day really is. Because if all we had were good days we wouldn’t be able to appreciate them, we wouldn’t have anything to compare them to.

Writing this post has made me feel better. Acknowledging my rubbishy day has been cathartic, and perhaps there’s something I just love about writing too.

And to make you (OK, me) feel better, here’s a pretty little picture from the weekend:

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Start celebrating failure

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My opinion of failure has completely changed in the last few years. I’ve obviously always known that failure is something to be avoided, something that makes you look like an idiot and means you should stop doing whatever it is and focus on the things you’re good at. This was emphasised at school, where getting a low grade in a test was seen as a bad thing, or building something that fell down meant a patronising pat on the back, never mind maybe you’ll do better next time. I was actually pretty successful in my classes and tests at school, but this added extra pressure to not fail – I obviously couldn’t possibly get less than an A in Maths, I was really good at it and one of the top in the class. Urgh, talk about pressure.

And then when we did fail it was sort of swept aside, excuses were made for it or we were told to just try harder or revise more. What lacked from all my failures was an air of curiosity, interest, a chance to learn, even celebration. Because failure is just that – a serious of experiments for you to learn from.

I’ve been particularly inspired by a recent TED Talk and flurry of related articles by Astro Teller (best name ever right?) who leads the team at X, Google’s moon shot company. They are creating some of the most crazy but world changing projects in existence, including a self-driving car and floating balloons to bring the internet to billions of people around the world. And they don’t just allow failure or find it curious at X, they literally celebrate it:

“We work hard at X to make it safe to fail. We killed over 100 investigations last year alone. I didn’t kill them. The teams themselves killed each one. And teams kill their ideas as soon as the evidence is on the table because they’re rewarded for it. They get applause from their peers. Hugs and high fives from their manager. They get promoted because of it. We’ve bonused every single person in teams that ended their projects, from teams as small as two to teams of more than thirty.”

How great would that be? “Amazing Alex, you completely failed that exam, well done! I’m so proud of you!” “Congratulations, what a fantastic failure on that presentation Alex, you completely didn’t cover anything that needed to be covered, hurray!”

OK, joke examples aside, failure is INEVITABLE in everyone’s lives. EVERYONE. 100% guaranteed, you will fail and will have failed. You’re not special because you fail more than other people, people fail all the time, they either don’t tell you or they don’t see it as a failure. Revising more or being more careful or preparing further in advance won’t guarantee that you won’t fail. And that is fantastic, because if you fail more it means you’re trying more new things, spending more of life doing the hard stuff and learning loads on the way.

I still find it hard to fail. When I mess up a project or meeting at work, I still feel a fool and like I want to hide in a hole. I often find myself thinking I am really not cut out for my job / parenting / coaching / whatever else I feel I’ve failed or fallen short at. However, more often and quicker I’ve been addressing that rude little voice in my head that says I’m a failure and asking it “OK, so what went wrong? Is there something I can change? Can I learn something from this? What will I do differently next time?” I haven’t got to the point of actually giving myself a mental high five for failing yet but maybe that’s what I should aim for.

The most important thing I want to do is instill this curiosity around failure in my daughter. I always want her to enjoy failing, be inquisitive about what could be done differently, try the hardest thing because she knows that’s the thing she’ll probably fail at and therefore learn the most from. I was disproportionately upset about the fact that when she started doing jigsaw puzzles she wouldn’t try the harder ones, or would get so frustrated when she couldn’t do them that she would sweep all the pieces angrily to the floor. I’ve been trying to gently encourage her to try again anyway, maybe later, but always keep trying, keep experimenting, keep light hearted about not achieving and keep learning.

Failure could be one of our greatest allies. In the words of Astro Teller:

“How are we going to try to kill our project today?”

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How to find your calling

In relation to my earlier post about following curiosity, this just sums it up perfectly, but spoken in a very different way:

Do you have any insights as to how one finds their calling?Akshat V. (Bangalore, India)

Say two people want to find the love of their life, Person A and Person B.

Person A never goes on dates, opting instead to sit alone debating in her head about who the exact kind of person is she will fall in love with. She scours online profiles, but never contacts anyone. Instead, her plan is to wait until she comes across the profile so perfect for her that she’ll know she’s found The One. Then and only then will she reach out to that person for a date.

Person B goes on a lot of dates, constantly meeting new people and keeping an open mind, because she knows she probably doesn’t know either herself or the type of match that makes sense for her as well as she thinks she does.

Who’s more likely to find the love of their life?

Tim Urban

This is stolen directly from the Wait But Why blog, which by the way is one of the most interesting and funniest blogs I have delivered to my inbox. It fact, it’s one of the very few that survived my recent cull of email subscriptions. Congratulations Tim!