The Man in the Arena

The Man in the Arena

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again,

because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause;

who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

Theodore Roosevelt, excerpt from Citizenship in a Republic

I’ve been listening on Audible recently to Brene Brown’s book The Power of Vulnerability (if you haven’t come across Brene yet do go and seek her out, she has a lot of wonderful things to say) and it reminded me how much I love this quote from Theodore Roosevelt.

Some days it can feel like I really should just give up: my work, my passions, my relationships, my house. Things fail, it seems so hard and so not rewarding and I wonder why I bother. But these experiences, in the same way as good experiences, are just a reminder that you are alive, that you tried something and entered the arena and got your hands dirty. If you are to do anything worth doing in your life you are going to fail, but failure isn’t the end. You’ve got to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and carry on anyway. And as Roosevelt says, “It is not the critic who counts”… turn away from the critics that point at you, who tell you what you should have done instead or how they could have done better: the fact that you did it in the first place is the only thing you need to know to be confident in yourself.

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Never lose faith

What is happening right now?

I feel in turmoil, the upheaval and fear and uncertainty and emotion running through each individual in the country right now is palpable. I have seen first hand rifts caused within friendships and families between those who voted one way and the other. I feel sorry for those who have been outvoted and will be dragged through years of change and uncertainty against their will, those who have already suffered financially or in their work, those who are hanging on a knife edge to find out what happens next. I feel equally sorry for those who went into this decision with completely inadequate knowledge, unknowingly voting for what seemed like promise for our health system, our families and our country’s independence from a body of faceless bureaucrats so seemingly far away that they appeared to have no business making decisions about our future. I feel sorry for those who don’t understand the gravity of the situation, that still aren’t clear how our future will be affected. Which, by the way, is pretty much all of us. Because what happens from here is still a big black hole of speculation.

I find it much harder to feel sorry for those who let racism wash over them and even more so for those actively partake in it. I’ve heard some sickening stories about Europeans being told to “go home”. Well, this is their home. They have families and jobs and houses and lives and friends here. “They” are not “they” anyway. We are all just we. Each of us is human. Each of us have loved ones we want to protect and passions we want to follow and money we need to earn. I was looking forward one day to living and working abroad, hopefully in Italy. And then I would be “they”, the other, the invader, the foreigner. It is bad enough that you move somewhere for excitement and adventure and to experience the world and share cultures and then feel nervous and scared because you don’t know the language or the cultural norms, it’s harder to make friends, the food is alien. And then to be made to feel so totally unwelcome is completely unjust. Life in this current age lets us experience the extraordinary variety and richness of each unique way that groups and cultures across the world have learnt to navigate life – if only everyone would make the most of this opportunity.

However, I do feel some sorrow for those who can’t see past the labels we place on each other and believe that it is right and required to separate ourselves based on language, skin colour and culture. Some people were born and brought up to think that that is the only way to react and behave. The connections they formed as they grew and developed, which we all crave as human beings, meant that creating an “us and them” culture was the only way to survive and ensure you felt part of a community. The information they have been exposed to and the education they have received has not allowed them to see what a thriving, wholesome life can look like when diversity and equality are championed. I don’t support their views, but I understand how they could have got to that point.

I feel privileged to work at the University of Essex, as diverse and supportive a community as you can imagine. 40% of our students and staff are not from the UK, and I wholeheartedly believe we are a greater and richer institution for that. I love walking through the squares and hearing 3 different languages being spoken as I wander past groups of people chatting unashamedly. The University has already declared its continuing support for diversity of culture and I am thankful to feel surrounded by people who, whether they voted to Leave or Remain in the EU, love to live and work with a wide ranging group of cultures.

I can only hope that the emotion that has charged through the nation will subside and be replaced with a gentler understanding of individual backgrounds and the impact and influence that has on people’s decisions. I truly believe there is nothing stronger than people with differences of opinion, background, culture, interest, passion and strength coming together to unite and drive our society forward with the great variety of power that gives us. Whatever our future holds we can still do that, embrace those who are willing to be part of it and educate those who aren’t. I am not giving up now, nor ever, on the unitedness of the world and whilst there are still those who believe the same there is still a chance to make it happen. Never lose faith in yourself or your fellow man as that is the only way great futures are made.

Fleeting thoughts

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It has not been a great morning. I managed to make both my daughter and my husband shout and scream before 8.30am. I seemed to get plenty of sleep but I’m still doggedly tired. I left later than I planned to. I forgot Phoebe’s nursery bag so had to drive home to get it. I had to leave her screaming at nursery because she’s scared of going in. I rushed in for a meeting only to find out it’s been cancelled. All in all, not a great start to the day.

I feel utterly wretched, tired, hormonal, angry and guilty. However, the difference between how I feel now and how I would have felt a few years ago is that I know it won’t last. In 2014 I took part in an online course called Happy School (now called Thrive), which taught about the Three Principles psychological theory. I feel like the terminology around it is a bit confusing and complicated at the moment, however the basis of it is being aware that all of our feelings are created by the thoughts we have, and our thoughts can change in a moment. So, I feel guilty because I left my daughter crying at nursery and my thoughts say I’m a terrible Mum, I should find ways of making her settle quicker, I should put her in for more days so she gets used to it, maybe I should take her out of nursery altogether. My thoughts are basically saying that I’m doing it all wrong. However, at some point today hopefully my thoughts will change to realise that it’s very normal for kids to be scared when going to nursery, she will be going for more days in September, after a few minutes crying I know she gets on fine there as the staff tell me and really I am mostly a good Mum. My feelings will then reflect these new thoughts i.e. I won’t feel so crap.

Sometimes, this change doesn’t happen all day, or even for a few days. Sometimes it happens almost immediately. Sometimes writing or talking about it helps, sometimes not. Sometimes distracting myself with work or walks or yummy food takes my mind off it and I suddenly realise it’s not a problem anymore. But knowing that thoughts are so fleeting and temporary, that they can change in an instant and give you a completely new perspective on a situation or a day or your life makes bad mornings that bit easier to handle.

This video by a guy called Prince EA sums is up quite well:

A whole lot of Should

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I’ve been pretty life-busy over the last couple of weeks and as such have been feeling guilty about my lack of blog writing. I’m not sure why, I guess I’ve promised myself I’ll start writing one now, so my brain has obviously then turned it into A Thing that I should do, and I should do regular posts because that’s what everyone does and I should be inspired all the time and so on. Well, with a lack of other inspiration right now, this is all I’ve got to work with.

Shoulds are an interesting thing. Sometimes, they completely fill our lives, from the moment we wake up to the moment we go to sleep. We should brush our hair, put on our make up, go to work, eat a healthy breakfast, enjoy the cycle in, feel grateful for our lives, look forward to seeing our children and partners, enjoy the latest TV show that has 9.5 on IMDB. Some of the Shoulds can be super secretive, you don’t even notice they’re there.

I have a fairly constant Should that comes back to visit often, which is that I Should be progressing my life all the time. Always doing something new, creating something of worth, making a difference in someone’s life doing something crazy or wild or amazing. I have lots of things in the pipeline too, but apparently it doesn’t count if I’m not actively working on them right just now. And unfortunately, my Should is pretty fickle too. I can start something and think “Yeah, I feel so good right now, this is totally what I want to be doing and it’s going to make such a difference to my life!” and then all of a sudden this then becomes the newest Should. And not just once a week or month. The Should comes out every day, in every spare 5 minutes. Yeah, I could just sit and watch the birds or watch TV or play horses with my daughter. But I should be writing my leadership course. Or writing my blog. Or booking an amazing adventure holiday. Or something else life-affirming.

And I tend to find, as soon as anything becomes a Should, it becomes a whole lot less rosy. Suddenly it’s on my mental to do list, taking up brain bandwidth and getting in the way of listening to what I really want to do. And making my brain come up with stupid stories about me in the process (I knew I shouldn’t have started a blog, I knew I would give up and lose inspiration, I knew I should have saved all those previous posts and scheduled them instead of just releasing them when I feel like it, even though I took a concious decision not to do that).

I don’t have much of an answer for these trixy Shoulds. Perhaps we need to call them out and mentally tell them to sod off (or literally I suppose, if you can handle the potentially slightly weird looks from others). In fact, perhaps we can put this into action – every time I feel like I Should do something, I’m going to specifically not do it. I can do anything else, just not the Should. I might have to make exceptions for the things that would have significant consequences (I’m guessing work aren’t going to be too happy if I stop turning up because I feel like I Should go). But this will force a whole lot of Shoulds out of my brain.

Let’s see how it goes!

Feeling like a fraud

I’ve had a little germ of an idea for a business for a little while now and over the weekend my thinking got to the point of deciding that I was ready to start putting time aside to work on it properly. So, this morning I dutifully sat down to start writing a development programme for leaders. An exciting and creative start to the day I thought. Goodness me, I’ve never felt so inadequate in my life. And I’ve barely even done anything or shown anyone yet.

The problem with starting anything that you haven’t done before is that you can’t help but feel like a fraud. All the more so when you’re advising and guiding other people. When I started the current job I’m in, I went in as a leader of three areas that I had never worked in before. I had a bit of understanding of what they did, but mostly I was learning as I went along. Man, did I feel like a fraud there for a while. I still do when I’m having a low confidence day. I feel like everyone is watching my every move, deciding whether I’m going to be any good and whispering behind my back. Judging or opposing my every suggestion and choice. To be honest, there are people I work with who seem to find it hard to hide the fact they are judging me, even though perhaps they don’t mean it that way or I’m reading into it too much (not in my team luckily, they’re all lovely).

So, what to do about this feeling like a fraud business. Because, the thing is, if everyone stopped at the point where they felt like they were faking it, nothing would ever happen. No new ideas would come about, nothing new would get made, businesses wouldn’t start or grow. Somehow we have to push past this feeling of fraudulency and carry on.

One piece of advice that struck a chord with me was from Liz Gilbert in her book Big Magic. She talks about creative pursuits being simultaneously both the most important thing you can do, and meaning nothing at all. In terms of being a fraudster, it is key to realise that your creativity, input and guidance is of imperative importance to whatever you are trying to do, your unique perspective will make it something which no one has ever done quite the same way before. You may not feel like you have enough experience, training, knowledge or expertise but you will have more than you think and you will have passion and that’s more important than anything else. On the other hand, it makes no difference at all. In the great grand scheme of things, in 1 or 10 or 100 years time, all will be forgotten. If you don’t do what you do, or you don’t do it right, the only person who misses out is you. In fact, you could create or write or lead something and no one need ever know. Take this light hearted look at your work, play with it, make it seem like a game. Because that’s all that life is anyway.

Another thing that helps me live with my imposter syndrome is to realise my humanity. Every single person on this earth will feel this way some time. Every person who starts a new job or business, every new parent, every child on their first day of school, every creator who invents something new, feels small and foolish and scared and like they have no reason being there and doing what they’re doing. There is no optional choice in this, we are human. And to be a human that can live to their full potential and experience all the bits of the world they want to, we have to be new at things sometimes.

So, I’m going to acknowledge this gut wrenching, heart palpatating feeling of inadequacy, get up and go back to the writing. I’m going to keep pushing through, despite all the voices in my head telling me it really isn’t worth my while. I’m going to pour my heart and soul into it and then realise its insignificance. Because that’s what I must do to keep going, and so must we all.

Feel the fear and do it anyway

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I took my three year old daughter swimming at the weekend. She hasn’t been for a little while and was really looking forward to it. She’s always seemed to love all the waterfalls and slides and tippy buckets.

However, this time she had developed some fears about bits of the pool. I’m not sure if there was a specific reason for it. We went to go on the flume (which she LOVED last time we were there, so much so I had to stop her going on again as she was shivering madly) and she was terrified, screaming not to go on. Now, it would be a very normal parental response to accept this, take her back to the pool where she was happy and carry on. However, logically, there was no reason for her fear. She had been on many times before and she had enjoyed it. Nothing significantly scary had happened in the meantime that involved big slides. Perhaps she had seen a scary video, or got scared of a different slide, or perhaps that’s just something that happens when you turn 3, I don’t know. Anyway, I decided to take her on. A bit of bribery with sweets and she let me carry her up the steps. She was fine whilst we were waiting in line, got a bit distracted with seeing a train out of the window. She was pretty scared when we went to sit down on the green slide entrance, gripping on tightly to me, but she wasn’t in any danger. I made lots of fun “wheeeee!” noises on the way down. I’m not sure she actually smiled but she didn’t cry on the way down. When we got to the bottom she had a little cry, maybe because of the adrenaline of doing something scary. I asked her if she wanted to go on again and she said no, so we went back to the little splashy pool.

Now, perhaps other parents looking on would have thought me a bit cruel and heartless, forcing my child to do something she didn’t want to do when she was supposed to be having fun. However, I never want her to not do things in her life because of fear. Fear can stop you harming yourself, yes, but it can also stop you living life entirely. It’s a totally natural, normal human emotion, but not one that should be listened to all the time, as I’ve discussed previously. I want her to grow up knowing that things in life, maybe the best things, are scary, and that sometimes you just have to feel the fear and do it anyway.

(There’s a book named that by the way, written by Susan Jeffers. It has been recommended to me by more than one friend, just in case you’re interested).

I asked her later that evening what her favourite part of swimming was. You know what she said? “The big green slide”.